BITS AND PIECES

I haven’t got the chance to give a testimony to her even for the last time... let me do it here....

Fun but sad... easy but hard.... Words to describe the life that I am living...

I am very much surprise upon waking up one day realizing that what I have been wanting to happen in my life is finally on my reach... just a few step and.... tadah! I’m there. At this moment, while I’m doing this post, I keep on thinking how I’ve managed to get here... to be what I am now... career wise, financially, emotionally, and yes, Spiritually. Looking back, I saw moments of my life I have never imagined to happen. People, places, events that brought me to this point, both happy times and sad ones. Failures, I believe was the biggest factor. But still, something's missing.

As an only child, I grew up spoiled by my mom. My mom sacrificed a lot just to provide me the things that I'm asking for. Having her not only as my mommy but also as my best friend was the greatest thing that ever happened in my life. She was there to help me on my homework, projects, video shoots, to the extent of staying up very late just to wait for me from school and from work. I remember my friends calling her "mommy" too. She was a very considerate and understanding mom. She was the first person who's very proud whenever something great is happening to me. All she wanted was to see me happy. Not a single moment did she left me alone.

Not until June 2002... the most painful moment of my life. And remembering that time still makes me cry up until now.

I always promised her that I would give her everything she wants... all the comforts of life. I remember myself saying these words to her on the day of my graduation. I saw in her eyes the excitement and gratitude that finally, I’m done. And the smile on her face is enough for me to strive harder in order to get a good job. After 3 months, I was hired as an advertising and promotions coordinator of a pharmaceutical company. It was not a high-paying job but good for starters. I took it for an experience. She was very happy then. Me too! During that time, I always treated her for dinner or lunch sometimes. We go to the mall, watch movies. And I’m giving her almost half of my salary. And without me knowing it, she's saving all the money that I gave her in order to buy something for me. Then a better opportunity knocks. A better paying and a more exciting job came. And you know what? She was with me on the time that I applied for it. See! She's also my lucky charm!

I don’t know... But maybe it's true that when something good is happening, expect something bad in return. During that time she was diagnosed with a stage 2 cervical cancer. She was crying... so much... and I felt that all my plans have ended... We are all very down at that time. I don’t know what to do. She told me to continue... as if nothing had happened. And I did. Also with the thought of I do need money now for her medication. She had radiation, chemotherapy, and other necessary treatments for 2 years. And even with all these treatments, she keeps on holding on. Life goes on for her. She even visits me at the office. We still go out... but not as livelier than before. I know she's keeping herself busy so as not to feel the pain. But I can see it. I can feel it.

We had our last Christmas together, December 2001. I remember we bought a new Christmas tree, new decors, and we arranged our house because she wanted it. She told me "this could be my last Christmas". I never paid attention to the thought. She asked for an oven toaster as a gift and I gave her one. Christmas day... we are very happy. We had our noche buena together and I saw her smile. I am very thankful to God I still have her. Come 2005 and we had our New Year together. Though we weren't able to go to province because she can't travel anymore, I have the best New Year ever at that time.

During the first to second quarter of the year... she began feeling ill. She has been into the hospital almost every month. I hate it when I see her in pain. Until she came to the point of having to wear an adult diaper because she can't stand anymore. I wanted to cry but I don’t want her to see me in tears. I have to be strong for her.

Until one Friday, my boss handed me a letter and to my surprised it was my appointment paper promoting me to a higher position. I was very excited. I’m sure mommy will be happy too! I arrived home that day late because of a meeting. I saw her sleeping and I never did wake her up. I will just tell her the good news next day. Saturday, she was again in pain. And I never got the chance to tell her. Sunday... I told her. She smiled. I know she was happy. She even kept the paper under her pillow. Again, pain attacked her. She asked me what would happen to her. I told her everything would be ok.

Monday... my first day as a producer. She was more excited than I am. She doesn’t have to tell me because I can see it in her eyes. I left for work and the last word that I heard from her was "ingat". That day was the most unforgettable day of my life. I was busy doing some stuff in the office, adjusting to new workloads… until a thought of her snap on my mind. I have to call mommy. Suddenly I missed her. Just when my phone rings and It’s my aunt. She’s crying… then I felt nervous… she asked me to come home… because mommy died… she already left us…
Pain enveloped my being. I cried hard… The pain that I felt was different from those pains I’ve had before. I just lost my lucky charm, my friend, my buddy, and my mom. That time I felt alone. That time I didn’t know what to do.

Now, after almost 3 years, I am here doing this post. Still, I can’t help but cry whenever a thought of her comes into my mind. I missed her so much. Sometimes I wish for a second to see her. But I can’t. I guess she’s just happy wherever she is right now. And I’m sure, she’s just around here checking on me.

For those times she’s not with me, I had experiences almost everything that an independent person can experience. Doing everything by myself.

Living alone, dealing with people, making a living, and most of all… falling in-love. Experiences that brought me here.

I am very grateful and thankful to her for helping me grow just the way she wants me to be.

Now I’m here facing different challenges of life and surpassing each of them.

My mom will always be the best mom and the best bestfriend in this world...

And I'm missing her.... so much...