BITS AND PIECES

(NOTE: this post should be published by tomrw... i may not be able to go online... so.. here's for the best mom i've ever known...)

JUNE 17, 2002

It has been 4 years since we've last talked. I wonder, how are you doing up there? Well, of course I know you're fine and all...still I wonder...

I remember, exactly four years ago...you said "ingat ka. wag mo kalimutan drumstick ko ha.." before I left for work. You always asks for that "magnolia drumstick" ice cream as a pasalubong. That was our favorite! Not to mention all other stuffs that we're fond of doing. I never thought that those would be the last words that I could ever hear from you... and the next time I saw you, you were there.. unable to talk to me anymore...

It was the darkest moment of my life. I thought it was the end of everything. Losing you was my greatest fear then. I thought that I can never go on without you. At that moment, I dont want to believe on what I saw. How I wish everything was just a bad dream... that in any second, I would wake up from a nightmare... and see you beside me... wearing your sweet smiling face. But it wasn't... it was a reality... and I am so drowned ...

sadness.. guilt... depression...

Because you're not only my mom... your my sister, my friend, my bestfriend... and you're even the mommy of all my friends... we shared secrets... we shared conspiracies... you understood me... in every little actions that I did... you took care of me.. so much that you'll give your everything just to satisfy my needs... I am your little baby... you loved me... more than yourself.

I remember how you took the day you've learned I had my first boyfriend. I thought you'll be mad at me but still you showed me how happy you were for us. You even treated him as your son... and I was very greatful to that. Yes, we kept that as a secret to Daddy and it was you who always thought of ways how he can't caught us.

I am even more greatful on how you accepted my friends and treated them as your own children too. You just don't know how much they loved and appreciated you the same way that you treated them.

Everything has changed since the day you left. Big changes I never imagined would happen.

I started living independently. I had a very hard time... oftentimes I wish you were here.. and I guess you saw me all the time that I was talking to you... I know you did... eventhough I can't see you, I can feel your presence... I knew you saw the tears that I shed... on my sole moments... on times that I almost gave up... but you always remind me to be strong.. because that is what you taught me.. and showed me...

But you know what, Daddy and I are closer now...we have these bonding times together... I can openly ask him about anything and everything... and I am happy.

Still, it's different when you are here. I have this guilt feeling that I wasn't able to give you all those dreams that we had... oftentimes i thought, now I can give you all that you want... financially, I am ok.. this is the best time to reward you from all the sacrifices you have done for me... but now, there's no way I can do that.

Whenever I go shopping, I remember you. Especially when I am surfing along home section. That was your favorite part of the mall, right? Buying home stuffs, decors, etc. Whenever I get something for my pad, I always wish you were with me.. to do the choice of which stuffs should I get.

I failed to say I LOVE YOU before you leave... it was not my nature to say those words to you and Daddy, you know that. And that eats up all my guilt. But I hope in some of my little ways, you were able to feel how much i love you... and i will always will.

Having a mom like you was the greatest blessing God has given me. I couldn't ask for more...

It's just sad that you are not here with me at this very moment... when everything seems to be so perfect... and I am very sure you would be the happiest person for me... but mommy, remember this: everything I have now... its all because of you. Because I know you never left me... you're just there guiding me in everything that I do...

And im sorry if sometimes, or more often, I did some stuffs you wouldn't allow me to if you're still here. I know you understood why I did those...

Here I am now... i hope you are still proud of me...

I terribly miss you mommy! So much, that I always wish I could have even a single second to see you... to be with you... to hug and kiss you...

and to say... I LOVE YOU.