I woke up today with a bit of hang-over from last night's drinking session. The thought of the discussion we had last night suddenly hits me this morning... all about settling down..
See, we will very soon have a little baby here in the house. My cousin is due on november. And she's only 20. Her boyfriend -- 19. Too young to start a new family... though they don't have any plans of marrying yet, still, its the only thing that missing. They are both supported by their parents. She's with us and he lives just a block away. There's no issue whatsoever. Its just that, every time that the topic hits settling down, it would end up fingers pointing on me.
First thing that they will say: "28 ka na! kelan mo balak magpakasal? o mag-aasawa ka pa ba? baka tumanda ka nang dalaga nyan???"
Its an open book. I just had my heart broken. We are almost set for it -- the marriage. It was about to be planned. But death separated our ways. And I cannot do anything about it. In which, up until now, I am still holding on to the memories and I am finding myself hard to move on. Every now and then I still pays visit to his grave and spent time with his family. I still listen to the songs that reminds me of him. Every now and then, I am still looking at our pictures. It has been almost 6 months but the pain is still fresh.
After what happened I became AFRAID. I dunno what exactly am I afraid of but maybe its the fear of being left and be hurt again. I tried dating with other guys, but it doesn't effect.
Plus the situation that my cousin is in right now. Seeing her not ready in more aspects -- emotional, physical and financial.
His death makes me realize a lot of things. It makes me grow further and understand things better.
Then I would just tell them: "E, bahala na si God. Let His will be done. Kung mag-aasawa e di mag-aasawa. Kung hinde, hmm... e di hinde. Ayoko na ipilit. Baka mas lalong mapasama"
And then comes my principle: Noone's in a rush to settle down just for the sake of settling down. It's about being ready, being capable.
